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[sticky post] Reading Challenge 2015

I decided to track what I read this year so this challenge looked fun to me. There are 52 books (count the trilogy as 3), for 52 weeks of a year.

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I miss SMAP

2018 is here already. I'm watching Captain singing on SanTaku. It has been a year since I watch the current Captain singing. things change so fast, I was broken, hopeless, breaking into pieces, both online as a fangirl and in reality (real life was a mess) at this time, last year. but today is a bit better.

Dec 31 2016 - I felt like part of my youth was ended. killed. massacred.

Paripia left that fcuking company (please excuse my language, and my negative toward them, but I can't help).
I thought at the time, it would be fine. they need rest, so if they are blocked, or blacklisted, let them rest for a while.

Atarashii Chizu, NAKAMA, world NAKAMA, twitter, intagram, blog, 72hr LIVE TV, reunion with Mori, reunion with Michi,... these things are just too much, a lot of love, joy, happiness to handle.

of course I miss 2top. I miss Nakai Masahiro. Kimura Takuya. 5-man SMAP together. I miss SMAP dearly. but I can't bring myself to watch any current show, listen to WUS, or join Captain's free fansite. it's hurt.

call me illusional or hopeless or whatever, I still believe SMAP will be back. together. as 6. and with Michi. SMAP will be. for the past 2 years, I cried because of SMAP a couple times. I didn't mean to, but my tears just dropped. every time. I didn't want to. SMAP gives me so much, the time people seem to leave me one by one, SMAP was still there.

so for one, I'm graceful. I could stay, with SMAP.

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bản đồ mới

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it's 2017.

February already.

the world is so wrong. crazy. messed up human beings.

finally I left Kinki Kid comunity. is it Kinki Kid or Kinki Kids? not sure. nothing against them, just can't bear to see, hear or watch any group from that company.

keep playing SMAP 25 YEARS disc 1 since I got it. haven't had courage to open the rest. like kids love sweet and can't eat the whole thing. afraid nothing left.

next year is 2018. then 2019. it will be 10 years. of love.

12.27.2016

my hands were shaking for minutes when I opened SmaSma Dec 26 file. I was at a lobby of a mechanics shop, waiting for my car oil change. I chose to watch it piece by piece, in the lobby, at my work desk during lunch time, so I can't cry out as easy as I would.
but none seems to work.

but new year may not be bad, since I'm waiting. for SMAP's true words. 

November already?

for the first time in like 10 years, I want time to stop right here. December doesn't need to come.

impossible but the fangirl in myself keep repeating it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. there isn't enndless party. but as long as I don't stop supporting them, as long as I claim myself a smappy, no other thing really matter.

*sigh*
fangirl illusion. can't help though. 

Iokibe-san xxxD



*flying hearts* so sad I finished the whole series. where can I find Iokibe-san now?

this is the first time after so long I fell for a character not played by SMAP, Masha or Abe-san. Odagiri Joe isn't a new name but his Iokibe is really interesting. let's say I fall for Iokibe. the last time I felt this way, was it YamaPi's Kenzou?

of course Iokibe and Kenzou are totally different, but they are imperfectly perfect. 

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SMAP turns 25 today.

my smappy age is turning 7. SMAP is the one and only companion I have left. from my late teen to my whole 20s. I took for granted the fact that SMAP is there. SMAP is always there. this year starts off rough and it gets worse with news and no actual words from SMAP.

but whatever will happen, I will keep counting my smappy age. after all I don't have that many dear things remain.
SMAP is the dearest.

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08.22.2016

I don't think I'm ready to talk about the disband news that flowing around. I checked SCS like 100 times a day a so. I was scared and upset. deeply upset. sad. not happy. hurt. I guess I felt hurt the first time because of SMAP was January 2016, that live apology. However, as I try to calm myself (and wait for SMAP's unscripted words), I want to stop my negative thoughts, including blaming J&A or hatred toward others.

It's hard to do and I also need to concentrate in my paper. There wouldn't be much free time for SMAP or other waste time activites. my real life has been a mess recently. I try to fix thing but nothing goes right at all. I don't know how long I can keep up, or if I even want to. but nothing else seems to be better choice.

I don't talk to people in fandom since couple years ago. so it's not like I'm sad and we are sad together. we won't be able to share interest anymore. people around me now don't know Japanese or have any interest in Japanese entertainment. I doubt they even know I love SMAP or listen to Japanese music. but it's okay since I know nothing about them (and I have no desire to get to know them better).

I think I'm okay. even if SMAP ends their journey together in 2016, SMAP would remain as the one and only SMAP in my heart. it's hard for me to love and keep that love, SMAP is a rare case, the one and only. I have SMAP for my late teenages and early twenty. I don't want to give up hope, but I'm pessimistic by natural. I'm at loss of words, and have mixed feelings, and in between denial and hopeful. I'm full of contradictions.
...
tomorrow is another day. if I keep thinking negatively, nothing positive will come. (Original smile's lyrics, I don't know if I can be positive but I will try. because SMAP sings so.)

a SMAP a day

SMAP with Shizuka Kudo NG, age ago.




Since I ship KimuraMatsu, I didn't really like Mrs. Captain before (ehem), but watching her on English learning program, I started to see her charm lol still I love KimuraMatsu on screen sooooo much, but I'm glad Captain has his family. I wish the rest of SMAP will annouce marriage sooooon. Shingo said he would tie a knot next month couple days ago, right??? :))

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